Seasons

This song is more about a passing season of sorrow if anything, but it is also a reminder that these seasons are not meant to be rushed through, skipped over, or checked out of. Diamonds come from pressure and heat, if anything, we should be looking at the gleaming jewels we find in these hard-pressed and dire situations that so many spend their lives trying to find. Some of the most beautiful souls I have encountered are ones that will willingly told me what tortures them, what ails them, and that is the exact reason why they shine. Their hearts burn, but it gives a light bright enough for others to gather around, to be drawn in and share in the warmth together, especially in the colder seasons.

The courage they built up to look their demons in the face and see the beauty that comes from pain benefits everyone they encounter. I refuse to believe that there is time wasted in this life when following Jesus.

Your season is important, and it will be fruitful, but you must withstand the winter to experience the harvest. Be strong enough to admit you are weak, courageous enough to admit you are scared, and alive enough to admit that somedays you feel downright dead inside, because that season won’t last forever, and it won’t be worthless once you make it out. When we open up in these times, we realize just how surrounded we are by others that feel the same way. No one is alone in feeling alone.

Oh Night Divine

This has been one of my favorite songs for years, whether ’tis the season or not, (that’s how I still feel justified in posting this after Christmas #loophole).

But this year, the lyric –
“He appeared, and the soul felt it’s worth”
seemed to reveal itself completely out of nowhere, hiding in plain sight.

WHAT A GORGEOUS LYRIC. Seriously, stare into space and think about that for a sec.

How many of us live not feeling our worth, not believing it, and spend most of our time trying to improve our value, like it is up to us to earn our right to breathe? How many of us squirm when someone close to us compliments us or lifts us up?
I STILL have a hard time maintaining eye contact when someone tries to affirm me in sometimes the most basic ways.
I think a lot of us have hardened our shells so that it doesn’t hurt when others strike us, but on the flip side, this can create walls that are un-breachable by encouragement from friends, approval from parents, and even love from a significant other.
The only solution is time with the Lord and vulnerability with Him, where our worth, that He saw as valuable enough to give His life for, is revealed in His presence.
1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.”
It doesn’t matter how tarnished, broken, distant, calloused, or bitter you have become or feel, your worth has already been seen, created, and assigned by the only One who can give such a thing.
Attack this year from a place of intimacy with the Lord, where you don’t wander hungry and thirsty looking to fill a void, but rather are filled by the banquet that is a loving relationship with Him, and bring fulness, value, and worth to the life you live and the loves of those around you.
1 John 4:19 “ We love because he first loved us.”
This year, let people in, most especially God, and know that you’re worth a lot more than you might think, you are a gift.

Gave All

This song is about the beauty in giving of what we have, rather than taking hold of and selfishly conserving it, whether it’s your property, talents, love, affection, wisdom, etc.

It’s about how our best efforts at dreams and desires can still be the most broken attempts at creating a kingdom on Earth, because these kingdoms fade away, but true love transcends space and time. From this rubble new dreams can be rebuilt that play a part in something so much bigger than ourselves. It’s about how our hands are most full when we continue to empty them out into others.

This song basically holds my hope for this website.

I went to Florida to pursue my dreams of making music, and while that dream in and of itself is a good one, it’s motives were quite shallow, as the impact only went as far as myself. It was my dream with my agenda. I had no battle to fight, no one to fight for, it had no purpose to exist other than to serve, well, me.
This is where God really began to break me. I needed something else, something bigger, a better reason why.
I have followed Christ for nearly my whole life, but it’s funny how in our pursuit of Him, sometimes we are actually pursuing what we want through Him. We want the fruits, not the tree. We want what Jesus can give us, not Jesus. This is the deciding factor between those that connect to the vine and remain in Him, and those that depart once they have received what they want.
One thing I learned up front- God is smarter than that. He sees our hearts and what we are really after, there is no fooling Him, only fooling ourselves. #derp.
There is no freedom in this lifestyle of self-servanthood, only fear of losing what we have, and a greed hungry for more. We forget our God-given identity and look to our works, bank accounts, and trophy walls for comfort and a sense of purpose, but we are atrophying as we hold onto the past, afraid to let go and move forward.
In this lifestyle of holding my blessings, relationships, and dreams with a clenched fist, I actually began to squeeze the life out of them, to suffocate them, and they became burdens rather than gifts. What was meant to be an enjoyable form of worship became a chore-like job, and it slowly stopped flourishing.
This is not our Father’s intention, and being the loving Father He is, He does not endorse behavior that destroys His children. My drive for these things began to dwindle, but it wasn’t because I didn’t love music, or the people in my life, it was my idolatrous prioritization of these good things that made them unhealthy in my life.
Last year I handed over my biggest dreams with open hands, and I feel alive again in ways I thought had died long ago. It isn’t me running the show anymore, because it isn’t and never was about me or for me.
I’m gonna use my “phone-a-friend” option to finish this blog, so here is Tozer, an absolute samurai wordsmith, to explain everything I am trying to say only with a higher IQ level-
A.W. Tozer- “There can be no doubt that this possessive clinging to things is one of the most harmful habits in the life. Because it is so natural it is rarely recognized for the evil that it is; but its outworkings are tragic.
We are often hindered from giving up our treasures to the Lord out of fear for their safety; this is especially true when those treasures are loved relatives and friends. But we need have no such fears. Our Lord came not to destroy but to save. Everything is safe which we commit to Him, and nothing is really safe which is not so committed. Our gifts and talents should also be turned over to Him. They should be recognized for what they are, God’s loan to us, and should never be considered in any sense our own. We have no more right to claim credit for special abilities than for blue eyes or strong muscles. “For who maketh thee to differ from another? and what hast thou that thou didst not receive?” The Christian who is alive enough to know himself even slightly will recognize the symptoms of this possession malady, and will grieve to find them in his own heart. If the longing after God is strong enough within him he will want to do something about the matter. Now, what should he do? “- The Pursuit of God

I am thankful God loves His children enough to let their selfish dreams fall apart when they are going down the wrong road, because He knows what we REALLY want, and it usually isn’t what we think we want. He knows the difference between our dreams and our destiny. Trust Him in that. Trust Him in your successes AND failures. Trust Him in His ability to make beauty from ashes. Only this year have I ever thanked God for failure, because I now know He didn’t want me to succeed at certain things that wouldn’t better me or glorify Him most. Jeremiah 29:11

Dating Loneliness

This is a song for anyone who finds themselves lonely.

Being single most of my life messed with my head to be honest. Lord knows I tried otherwise, to look for someone to help fill the bottomless pit that seemed to grow deeper every weekend, but that was just the problem, I was looking for a person to fill a God-sized hole in my heart. I was looking to be held by arms that just can’t reach. I was looking for identity and a special kind of soul-security in anybody BUT the one who created this heart and knows best how to care for it. This kind of pressure put my perspective into some very dark places for a good portion of my single life, making me feel like my life wouldn’t begin until I found that special someone so I could fill up my Instagram with cute pictures of the love of my life like all my friends get to do whenever they want. I felt like there was so much emphasis on relationships these days that I fell into a pattern of thinking that my life was irrelevant, moot, and pointless until I had someone with me to help validate my existence.

But the thing is, loneliness can strike anyone, at anytime, married or single, flirting or committed. Isolation is a tactic of evil to drive wedges between relationships and give an illusion that you have been left behind even when you are most loved.
We all have coping methods, some good and healthy, some bad, but at the end of the day, we need to acknowledge our need for a deep relationship with someone who knows the absolute depths of our soul, and I have found that in God.
The biggest growth in my life came from finally owning my loneliness, from not acting strong enough to do this on my own anymore, and God came to my rescue, not necessarily with a woman or more friends, but with His Presence in amazing ways.
The song is titled “Dating Loneliness”, and is about when we accept the difficult places we find ourselves in, and choose to find the purpose in it rather than the quickest way out. It’s about searching for water in the desert, knowing that thirsting and hunger is part of the journey, and how those who have gone without it longest appreciate it the most when they find it.
James 1:1-4

Fire in the Night

 

 

Fun tid-bit- This song was actually inspired by anxiety attacks, (yay!), as they can easily be some of the most confusing, dark, and suffocating moments of one’s life. God has taught me a lot through my journey though, and to not fight my way out on my own strength, but to be patient and faithful in every circumstance.

Wherever you may find yourself in life, sometimes we just have to keep moving, hoping, and praying, even when our questions outnumber our answers.
I’ve realized how much of my life I have strived to understand every step before it is taken, usually in an effort of self-preservation and out of the fear of making “mistakes”, when in reality, the worst decision you can make is not making one at all.
It is hard to be willing and humble enough to admit when we don’t know what’s going on, where we are headed, or how we’re even getting there, but in our admission of need and inadequacy is where answers are found.
This song is a dedication to God’s faithful guidance in my life as I feel I’ve been trekking through some of the darkest spots I’ve ever walked through. I may not see very far ahead, I have no idea what lurks around the corner, but the light at my feet has shone at least one step of the way the whole time.

Untitled 2I am thankful for these times when I am reminded of my shortsightedness, when my fears are made more apparent, and when I know that there is no way I’m getting out of a predicament alone, as those are the times when God shows up and I am forced to realize my constant need for Him in a deeper and more sobering way.
This song is about losing faith in one’s self, only to find it in God to guide the way.